I Want

I haven't mentioned for a while that if we're going to live a greener life without crashing the economy then we'll have to move more money per transaction. Buying high quality goods, services and content gives us the added benefit of letting us live with what we actually want rather than constantly re-buying and upgrading.

It also allows us to do less shopping--now I know that may sound to some like a shortcoming, but we won't stop altogether. And, plus, you'll be spending a couple hours a day more on love with your family and/or partner. So if you still want to watch movies, something'll have to go.

But that's still a little boring, what else?

I was thinking the other day how everyone thought they were living just fine under Newtonian physics (or Copernican for that matter) when Einstein came along.

And how much of the world still operates like Einstein never existed. That daily life is mundane. Work a chore. Routine routine.

But what quantum physics shows us is that the closer you look, the less predictable and the less boring things get. Of course you have to get over the hump--the "why would anyone want to look at this stuff" hump.

You have to want to be present.

Like the Zen (Taoist?) saying says: before enlightenment: carry water, chop wood. After enlightenment: carry water, chop wood.

If you've read here enough you'll know that I'm no eastern--and so I firmly believe that we can improve our lives, that we should expect things to get better as we evolve. But I also admit that it may not be the bang zoom that we dream of.

It may be even better.

My point here is that we can continue along at the Newtonian level. And work hard and be rich. Use friction and power.

And we'll get about what we see in front of us. A whole lot of wealth accompanied by time poverty and so much waste that we're literally scared to make any more money. To go forward.

Or we can go forward. Which in this case would be going not forward, which is what we have been doing for ever, but going inward. Going present. Going now. Getting real. Aligning ourselves with what's really happening. And the cycles of nature of history and the natural world.

Sounds a bit hippy but it's not. I assure you you can be fully modern--of your time--and do it all.

But my point here is that Newtonian physics was in a sense inevitable--because that's the way the universe runs.

But quantum physics--quantum life and culture is a CHOICE. It cannot exist without belief. Without the full and present participation--without the intent of the observer.

I said yesterday that all of this is inevitable, and it is, but that just means that eventually we'll change our minds. That eventually we'll get sick enough, or tired enough, or relaxed enough, or fed up enough to start believing.

So why not do it now?

This is one of the more complex processes that I've ever been through. When I was filled to the brim with doubt, I would wait and see. I was paralyzed. Even figuring out where to go to lunch was a chore. I literally didn't know how to make decisions.

Or I didn't want to.

And telling people that I was happy, or doing okay, or content when I wasn't felt like lying. It felt like being full of it. Unhappiness and not being in control felt honest. It also felt safe--as I didn't have to be responsible as long as it was society's, the universe's problem.

As long as I was a victim.

And I had good reason to believe I was a victim. I didn't see or understand where I would possibly get the time, money, love or energy to write a book--to do anything that I wanted. And certainly no one ever cleared my calendar for five years and gave me $100K to go hang out and do it.

I guess part of the deal is the nature of freedom. We are only guaranteed freedom--or life even--a day or moment at a time. Not for the foreseeable future. So we can only live or experience it that way.

Which takes a whole lot of faith.

And I had no faith when I started. None. On this matter I am quite clear. Because I thought about it a lot.

But I knew I had to find a way around this lack.

So I invented a shortcut.

I figured that if I didn't believe in anything then I would at least be complete--that I also wouldn't believe in disbelief!

This left me occupying the most narrow, and often fearful, of reality slices, but at least I wasn't paralyzed. At least I had a framework from which to act.

It was like plunging into cold water daily. Stepping into the real void from what had been a dark closet I imagined I would be leaving soon.

And it offered no credentials. There was no possible way to explain it at cocktail parties. No real answer to "what do you do?" or even "what have you been up to?" In theory I was writing a book, and that's usually what I led with, but that never felt like the semi-glamorous, arty, creative statement it can sound like from the outside.

Especially if I hadn't written anything in a week. Or a month. And those times were the norm. Or if I had no money in the bank and was heading out for a walk because I felt unable to write--again.

But I'm not looking for sympathy, believe it or not. Because I now know that it is impossible to get over--there is no way that I could evoke sympathy from you and not give up my own power at the same time. There is no way that I could make you feel sorry for me and miraculously escape making myself a victim.

But that was a choice. And one I learned long and hard.

For a long time I thought I was supposed to make myself a victim. That that's how one got power in this world. By cementing--convincing others of--your victim status.

And a lot of people still operate that way. Some consciously, some unconsciously. Both pimps and hos are victims. Put another way: neither kings nor peasants are free to come and go as they please.

Which is odd because we think of them as operating on completely distinct sides of the pendulum. We think of the left and right as having entirely different viewpoints, motivations, and decision-making processes.

But in reality they aren't so different. They are distinct. And there's no reason not to be overt about where you stand and why. But in an even more real truth, god loves everything. Life itself. And allows everything.

Not because he prefers a murder to a meal, but because he knows that we cannot get over. That we can never be separated from exactly what we do every moment, and who we are in every single interaction. The murderer doesn't get away with anything. In fact, he'll never get away from anything, most likely.

He may feel compelled to do it again, and that's something that everyone has the right to protect themselves from, but like a crack addict, more just brings you closer to quitting--getting real, discovering what it is you're really running from--YOUR TRUE FEAR. Or death--god's reset button.

Although I'm not sure we start over when we die. We may not change at all--so exalted and special a condition we enjoy here on earth. Embodied.

And bad television and unhappy work, bad relationships, pornography, alcohol and pot all do the same thing. And they all work. They make you unconscious.

And unconsciousness isn't anything to be avoided---because it highlights your consciousness. It just isn't as fun as fun. As being alive.

It also doesn't last or build into anything, but that's another story.

And that's the genius of love: it works either way. Both unconsciousness and consciousness bring you closer to it. Take either the left hand or the right hand path. And you'll find that you want it all. That you are born to live neither in the past nor the future.

And getting to this point, for me, was not so much a choice--an action--as an allowing. But it took a huge choice to allow it. Possibly the largest and most important set of choices in my life. And scariest.

In fact, if you had specifically designed a set of choices personally for me that would push every button I had and awake every fear I had ever even considered--it would probably look like exactly what happened to me.

So how did I come to b so sure that god is--that we are--love?

I chose to accept that I didn't want to be afraid of anything as well.

Before I had always thought that I would go get successful and then the fear of not having enough money would cease. Or that I would find love and the fear of not having love--or of losing it--would cease.

So I tried to put on a good front--until such a time that I needn't be afraid.

Which left me empty on the inside and hard on the outside.

What was actually happening, and a more accurate, more effective, and MUCH FASTER route to the condition of safety I so hungrily sought, was that I was ALREADY capable of much more than I believed, and I would proceed straight to the desert to deal with each of my fears one after another--more hungry and alone than my fears would have wanted, but always looked after, always protected, always safe--although invisibly and unknowably so.

After going each time kicking and screaming, eventually why not accept it? Why not just admit that there is no way to be the person you want to be but through being challenged. Through generating courage.

And that it's a whole lot easier to stand up and nip something in the bud then it is to shirk from it and deal with a big hairy mess later.

Or just accept the way something is. --But take responsibility for it either way.

And choosing to have complete faith that what's happening is best for me both materially and spiritually. But that god puts the spiritual first--because I do too. Because I don't really want to be rich in goods but poor in spirit. Even though I get frustrated at times being rich in spirit and living at my mother's house.

But here I am, on Monday morning. After finishing a little breakfast and tea, writing to you folks. Doing what I really want. And doing what I really want first.

Back when I was a successful graphic designer--a professional--I had seven free months a year, worked 6-7 hours a day, and still was unable to manage what I really wanted to do into first place. I could barely get to it Friday evening. Saturday afternoon.

And then only with some coffee or beer.

Now, I put first things first and second things second. With faith that my food, my money, my love will be--is already taken care of. And that as much of it is on the way as I can handle.

Some of it is still invisible, but none of it unknowable. Because I'm the one doing it. Just as I did it before. And I'm applying the same methods that got me results before--but this time with my priorities straight.

With my intentions and desired results conscious, overt and stated.

I want an economy where love supports itself. Where it grows naturally and people bring their whole beings to try to top each other in bringing it more.

I want it to be so strong that all other economies take serious note. And start trying to copy love. Undertake whatever they need to undertake to become more real. More honest, more direct and passionate. And then more compassionate.

I want it to inspire.

I want it to gleefully use exactly the resources it really wants to, be instantly recognizable as much more valuable. I want it to be classic, eternal, fulfilling, satiating. I want it to transcend fashion and fad.

I want it to be beautiful. And honest. I want it to be simple and well designed.

I want it to be easy, efficient, enjoyable.

I want it to be relaxed. I want it to be happy. I want it to be warm.

I want it to be voluntary. I want it to be a choice.

I want it to be courageous. Bold. Funny, charming, understated.

I want it to be honest. Fresh. new.

I want it to be immediate. I want it to be supportive. I want it to be challenging.

I want it to be delicate.

I want it to be loving.