Just a Quick Note

I'm staying alert and getting lots of good info.

1) I think that I became more sensitive as a young person in an attempt to feel people who may have been close to me who were more reserved than I would have liked. It has served me well in some respects, but in others it's definitely time to go.

The irony will not be lost on me if, after years and years of struggling financially and longing for relationships (while I wrote my book, "found" myself, etc.), things come together for me after I give those feelings to myself--after I cease to feel doubtful about them. (And thus stopp doing all the running around this fear led me to do--the fearful running around that is widely believed to get us these things.)

If this is the case, then does a business succeed (or love appear) after we've done the work because the work physically needed to be done? OR, is it more accurate to say that because we now have a more advanced belief and attitude about the business, or love, or whatever--more confidence, a byproduct of the work--that the stuff we wanted all along--desperately at first and eventually faithfully--magically appears?

Because we're now ready to handle it. Because now we know what it's worth. Because now not having it won't kill us. Because we grew into it and are much less likely to make a crutch out of the thing.

I'm leaning toward the latter, and I don't know if I could have skipped any of the work, but if it's really just a case of getting the right attitude/emotional state, then I'll be damned if I'm every going to lay brick patios again. Or fight with jerk-off business owners. I'd rather just cover my ass, take no shorts, and faithfully lift whatever is necessary whenever it's necessary--no matter how tired or hungry or lonely I am--from the start. Never be afraid of getting left, going broke, failing.

Or going all in.

And I'm happy to do the work it takes to maintain that perspective.

BECAUSE--and don't let me forget this, lord--I have seen that it is so much easier to believe from the start. That going straight to it no matter what, no matter how weak I feel or how strong I believe the "them"s of my life, the easiest way is always to stay present and deal with it now. Even if that dealing with it now is saying can we talk about this next Tuesday.

If I'm right and our beliefs do dictate our world to a greater degree than our physical realities, then if we think or even feel that we need to please people for them to stick around, or get a rise out of them, then we're going to find people who fit the bill and fall for them, guaranteed. Because we want to learn the opposite.

And that's a long row to hoe when we could have just not sold ourselves out in the first place.

2) I'm finding that a huge amount of it has to do with how we hold ourselves. Even at the gym, I find it easier to do the same exercises (with more weight) that avoid the places that really need attention than to do the same exercise properly (with less weight). It would seem, then, that I essentially have hidden certain things--beliefs, ideas, feelings--in my body so that I don't have to be conscious of them.

And they know how to stay out of the way, too. Places I can't see. Things I'd never even notice if I didn't watch how I walk--or whatever. Gnarly, ugly, weak, old shit.

The map to our own freedom is embedded in each and every one of our bodies. What works for us and what we need is mirrored all around us. And the results are always beautiful.

I approach waking life a little bit like I approach a dream. I look for clues. Things that resonate. Symbols. Correlations. Suggestions. Things that seem "charged" for me, for whatever reason. And I pay attention to my favorites, things that "get" to me, etc. If something didn't have anything to do with me, chances are, I wouldn't feel one way or another about it.

The trick, though, is not to take the symbolism too literally or seriously. They're loving clues, as much as we can handle at a give time. And all meant in fun--hard enough as it is to believe--by a higher power that is essentially such pure joy that he/she/it can't stand to see us short ourselves. Or take any nonsense. (Or blow any of our love dishing any out).

If all this is also true, I'm sure you've figured out by now, then future generations, having grown up and been inculturated in a society that knows all this, and has already done this work, will consume and create what they want almost effortlessly. (Figuring it out--what they want--may still take some doing). But the hard stuff will have been done. Like mining and logging and managing and banking. If your ancestors did any of those things (or all), then it's likely that you're on to other pursuits. The basics having been handled. We've got huge cities going all winter without anyone every having to go forage for firewood every day. Or get water from the river to cook or clean. There's no reason the same thing isn't true emotionally and spiritually.

--Or even more so.