White Gold, to have and hold.

I'm in deep folks. There are about 12 corners that I have to turn this year and they're not the cute ones.

I had a dream a week ago or so that was quite disturbing. What I got from it was that I hadn't let go of the death of my father, may god bless his soul. This hit me a bit harder than a usual, hard to swallow dream, because I thought this was a done deal. And I'd like to think that I'm fairly good at emotional stuff. Or at least recognizing where I am with it. My father died years ago, and I felt like I grieved fully, and I felt like I learned what I could/had to and moved on.

A friend and I used to have long conversations about how hard this stuff was supposed to be. He was from the magic school--that it should/could be instantaneous and painless--something almost done to you, and I was much more of the put in the radical work school. Most of my gains having come from that. And having been told by the universe in no uncertain terms (like my health) that there were some very difficult things that I was to take care of.

I went kicking and screaming, and sometimes crying, but I went. And I'm not looking for sympathy but I went alone, which was quite possibly the hardest part for me. I didn't understand the purpose of the struggle, of the lonliness--of any of it to be honest.

Sure, I understood in retrospect that as long as I was deferring to others that I'd never be the person I wanted to be, or was capable of. I understood that as long as I was living as a member of a tribe that my freedoms were limited to tradition's historically limited understanding of life and love. But that didn't mean that I understood why any of THAT had to be. Or why it took some Herculean effort to budge the sucker even an inch (all I wanted to do, after all, was sell what I considered a better book for more money--not the most radical thought ever thunk).

And the whole time I probably would have told you that I was doing what was easier--and in a sense I was--but it ws stupidly hard. It was all I could take hard.

And I always had the sense that it was supposed to be somewhat easy. Or at least get easier. Or at least easy enough to be done gracefully. Though it didn't necessarily feel that way.

I kept thinking that I'd magically pop out of the forest into some nice warm glade. Where butterflys were doing their thing and hungry bears came by only occasionally. Not often enough to worry about them before they showed up.

But getting to that spot has proven difficult. I'm sure there a lot more than I ever have been. But in a sense I fought so hard to get there, went to the mattresses so often, went to war with such committment, that it's hard to relax and enjoy it.

And I am really not interested in wringing my hands about this, but I am very interested in understanding it. How can we be totally relaxed and ready to assert ourselves completely at the same time. Not by ourselves at a monestary, but right here in River City.

When I was writing that I almost wrote something to the effect of assert ourselves in the middle of this... (unconsciousness/unlove, whatever) -- and maybe that's the whole thing. To change our perspective so completely that we don't even think of this secular world as anything but a 100% sacred training ground and proving center for love.

In the dream I had it was about a house that wouldn't sell because someone had died there and it hadn't released or let go of the smell. I guess the other part, that I am only seeing now is that it was all ready to go except for whatever magic thing it had to do.

Which reminds me of another dream I had where I told someone off and expected to get arrested by the police. I stuck out my hands for the cuffs but the cops walked right past me. Then I was going uphill in a chair and was supposed to just lean back and let the chair carry me.

I know this is what's supposed to happen. That you work hard to learn something that is a weakness for you (in this case maybe hard work?) and then at the last moment, to kind of prove that the lesson is spiritual, and that the world is 3-D you are asked to give up even what you've learned. But that doesn't mean I'm any good at it. Or that enjoying yourself is any easier than learning how to do the work. Even though it is, of course.

When I started off I thought it would be easy. Or at least do-able by what I understood as do-able. Write the book, that's very hard (but what you really want to do), put it out (same), then get some reward for your labor and go from there.

But what I think I'm getting to now is that you can't ever sacrifice the present for the future and have it work. (Left ear scratching--means listen to yourself, Eben). That that whole way of thinking is faulty. The thing to be overcome itself.

My challenge right now is to feel that. To leave the results and the preferences and the comparisons and the drama. IF the world is perfect, it's perfect right now. If the world is based on love it's based on love right now. And any "improvement" can only come from that understanding. (Or maybe improvement comes from anywhere--everywhere). Maybe improvement comes from everything.

I think where I'm at is my embodied beliefs. Not even my brain beliefs. This is what my cells think. It's like I know all the right answers but don't know almost anything. Do I think that the world is based on love? Do I trust and accept that people are well-intentioned? Or do I feel it?

If I felt it completely would I need to say it? Or would that be redundant? Or just paperwork?

What if the universe was easy? Wanted exactly what we wanted? Was a well-oiled machine working overtime to make each of us exactly what we wanted. Everyone.

What if god really was love. And we, made in his image, the same thing? Could it really be possible, then, that I was mad that the world wasn't loving enough? Was mad that the love I did put out was un (or under) recognized? Could I be frustrated that I didn't have enough time? Or didn't have enough energy?

What if, when Jesus said above all else, love your neighbor as yourself, he meant so that YOU"LL be happy. Because that's what you want. (There's also the matter that this seems to assume that everyone already loves themselves, which may be a bigger matter. I think people, by and large do love their neighbor as themselves--the question then is how much you love yourself, and if you have the time, energy and right to do so.)

Certainly, if the world is created and re-created from our consciousness, collective or individual, then how we imagine it, what we believe with out whole selves--the premises we use to formulate our questions--may be the most important/valuable/powerful thing of all.