That's What I'm Talking About

I got a comment on my last post and I thought I might be coming "give up" mopey instead of "giving it up" extatic, so let me clarify what I've been talking about. I'm working more toward the rocking church choir who ignores the preacher and does their favorite secular song here than the despondant rocker deciding about his last beer or line of whatever. (Though I've certainly experienced both). Alot, if not all more. The phrase isn't most praise. It's all praise. And the name I do music under isn't some*mighty, it's ALL*MYTEE.

My current question is bassically about giving up. NOT giving up as in I give up, screw it, I'm going back to ____ (insert whatever you are at risk of going back to here). Giving up as in I give up, screw it, I AM going forward (or staying still (or even looking back), if that's going forward--if that's growing--for you) no matter what it takes. Both are giving up, but in one case you give up your self/on god (the bad one), and in the other case you give up on this world/results/your own fear/ whatever it is that is preventing you from taking the leap. You get a little crazy--even if that getting crazy for you is being more quiet--or deciding to be happy no matter what happens. It can be anything, but at the crucial moment of decision, it will likely be what you least want to hear, unfortunately. Take it from me, we have myriad ways tto keep ourselves from what we truly want.

That's why getting what you truly want is such a radical thing. Because it will break you down and build you back up. No stone will be left unturned. And then leaving no stone unturned will become the dragon that must be slayed.

The comment was responding to (I think) a sense that I had given up in the traditional sense. Nothing could be farther from the truth. If anything I have a more fervent and focused wil lthan ever. And now results can't mess with it either. So if it takes 100 years (assuming I'm still alive), I'll most likely be chugging along at it. Unless god tells me I'm off base of course, I'm always open to being told I'm wrong. Just not by mortals.The universe can, and often does, tell me anything it knows is true. It's usually a bit of a shock, but it does so as lovingly as it can, I know.

Here's the deal--me and god both want the exact same thing. It's just that god knows it and I'm sometimes in knowing about it and sometimes not. Whn I'm strong and rested, and clear, I'm as on as I get. But then there are times, and certain parts of my personailty that I don't have as easy access to what I want and how to get it as god does. And that's when the shockers come.

In restrospect, I'm always down with it, with growth, but at the time I'm rarely a willing participant. When and if I refuse, the universe, in its infinite love, usually makes whatever it is that I want even more clear--often by bringing about the exact opposite in my life so that I can see what's going on.

It is at these times that I have to give up, that I have to give IT up--and get back on track. It could be that I'm acting like a child, eating junk, not taking care of myself, not asserting myself--whatever. And it is usually work to being about what I want. Suprise. It was work for people to provide me with clean water, nurishing food, heat through the night, a free education, and clean diapers also. Thank god that that was what they wanted. Thank them.

My question two posts ago was basically if there was any way I could circumvent this painful process of what I call "taking the hit". When you're strung out on the internet or late night television and have to get up and do something the next day that's taking the hit. When you wanted to have half a beer and work on your screenplay but instead it's four hours later and you're heading out to a bar with friends, leaving so you could at least work on it tomorrow for an hour might be taking the hit. When you're angry but there's nothing wrong with the situation, deciding to put it behind you and be happy again is taking the hit.

A lot of times the universe dishes out the hits. YOU GET SICK. You catch your lover with another person. You get an eviction notice (happened to me). You can't find a job.

And many times our response is so ingrained that we don't see anything. That's the way the universe is. No one loves me. I'm being punished for something I did. But just because we think, or feel these things means anything about their validity. If I'm learning one thing--and it is hard to say--it's that the universe is your #1 ally in you getting exactly what you want. AND--even more importantly--HOW YOU WANT IT! Cause I know you don't want the house on the water just to get home at 9:30 and your kids are already tucked in and you dont' have the energy to love your wife. I'm sure the universe would have told you a hundred little times to say no to your boss--and he'd probably respect you more for it--and a raise might even be on the way--but if you're afraid to say no, afraid to get fired, afraid that there's no other better job out there--WHATEVER YOU'RE AFRAID OF--whatever your dragon is--it's coming. Cause that's what has to be slayed.

Because you don't want to live in fear. You want to live in love. And the universe bringing on the dragon is love. Even if that's hard to fathom. And it is.

What would yo do if you were god? Make everyone a child and provide everything? Free TVs and porn? Free drugs? Make it so no one had to be conscious or try unless they felt like it? Would that be love? Would it feel anything like love after 10 years? 100 years? 1000 years?

What if you knew Bobby could do it? What if you knew Wendy was worth so much more than that jerk was treating her? What if you knew Dylan could write that book he'd been avoiding for years. And he had told you, in a stronger, clearer moment, that that was his sole lifes purpose.

What if you knew that peace was waiting. Would you have more or fewer people got shot? Would you make drama hurt more or less?

Anyway, my point was how to internalize the hit. How work giving up on whatever bs I've convinced myself is somehow working because I feel safe and comfortable with it--GIVING IT UP to god and what I really want no matter what my fear is--how to work that into my process.

The painting I mentioned had a guy broken down. Prostrate on the ground. I though the was praying but I think the artist painted him to have taken an external hit and be halfway to the fetal position.

What it sparked in me was that all it is is humbling us to accept our power. If I got power as I was yesterday I'd probably be a jerk. And I don't want to be. I'm still, somewhere, pissed that my book didn't take off. That the price was ridiculed and that because of the cover, and price, the content was ignored--even by people who said it was good.

But I'm also sure that some of that anger was directed at myself. For not having the guts to go straight to music. For letting the comments that I couldn't play guitar, or couldn't sing resonate with who I was. When I didn't care, I was just afraid. And in my believing I began to care. And that pretty much ate up all the love I needed to do the damn thing.

No one divided me without my blessing. Usually without my help. Sure, I was brought up to believe in the plan B, to live as if Plan A was a pipe dream. To live plan B. But I believed it. No one can watch TV without watching tv. No one can spread fear without it being accepted. There are no walls to the prison anymore. We've internalized them. Which is progress. No one will kill you for being yourself anymore--like they did a few years ago. And that's progress. That's love! But that doens't mean anyone's going to light the way down your path.

And that certainly doesn't mean that anyone even knows where your dragon is. It's not like they don't have one of their own.

Yes, god could come down here and put an end to all dragons, but where would that leave us? On the couch dreaming about times when there was something to do. When a man could be a man. When a woman could be a woman.

We don't want that. And desire and responsibility come hand in hand. This I guarantee. I take full responsibility fo rmy desires and for creating the life I want to live. And I bet my life on it.

Back to giving it up, I think that's what it is. Being responsible with power. Nothing comes without responsibility. Especially not power. And without humility and compassion why even bother? God probably could have made me famous and/or rich off The Love Artist, but I didn't want to be the love expert, to know about it, to own that intellectual space, to be a pimp--no matter how hard I demanded that I was equal or better to other pimps, no matter how hard I pounded and cried to get it--I wanted to be in love. Not about love. To live and feel love. I don't want to own and get rich running White Gold, I want to live and feel rich BEING White Gold. Which doesn't cost me anything. And is completely INDEPENDENT of what any other person, living or dead thinks about, sees in, or smells on my work. And I am positive, that once I can do that in meetings with bankers, on E! Tonight, with people stopping by my house just to see what's up, women throwing themselves at me, and all the wierd other stuff that comes with being known--once all my dragons are dead, and getting a bit (or a lot) of attention won't change how I feel about myself or others--then poof--it'll be there. Like magic. (That felt like a hell of a lot of work but is all forgotten in hindsight).

Cause when you love yourself unconditionally, I don't imagine you don't want for anything.

And so can endure any change or challenge.

And so don't need many.

But rather devote your time and energy doing your thang. Being yourself.

Doing what you want.

And enjoying it.

Laaaaaaaaaaaaalalalallalallalala.