Go Long

Okay. I think I'm starting to get a bit of perspective.

It's my understanding that you can't get over. That is, you can't say, oh I'll drink just a little coffee and somehow skip out on the feelings of being tired and maybe needing to relax, and then wake up the next day like nothing ever happened (or be as alive and present as you want later in the day).

If you could somehow moderate unconsciousness, then why not just be a junkie, cheat on your wife, watch porn all day, etc. Why ever do what you want that is hard or takes time and energy to accomplish. If god is really like a big safety net. (Which is not to say that any of those things are bad--if they ware what you really, really want--and is not to say that god is not at times a complete safety net, or that much refuge can be found in him).

My cousin, who I trust implicitly on matters of natural health and the like, once told me that when you're getting better, there's what's called a healing crisis, right before you heal that looks and feels like you're getting worse. And I've experienced this. It's a little like the darkest night right before the dawn syndrome.

Another way I've come to understand it is that what goes up must come down--that everything that goes in must come out.

So, if you think your life is boring and need a little affair or some casual sex to spice it up--when what you really want is to be connected in a real way with someone, but don't believe that that can or is happening fast enough --if you believe this, chuck your faith and understanding that you are in control of your life and can make what you want and start to settle --then at some point, like drinking a six-pack, or using cheap materials when building your house--you must revisit it.

We (I) often feel that this is the universe punishing us, but in reality, I believe that we would much rather have it this way. The positive benefits of getting to feel something positive and having faith twice, must be/is radical. When you're on your way up, there's nothing like having a wind at your back. And it's probably worth it in the long run to have lame (lower energy) stuff, things we don't really want but often convince ourselves are the only option, hurt twice as much as they "should". Even though we're usually even more hurt up and lonely when the second wave of feeling it comes.

The trick, then is not to fall for it. Stay focussed. Stay in faith about what you want and how you want it. Let the fact that it has been long in coming inform our certainty that it has never been closer to us then it is right then.

And just like the only way out of sugar, or porn, or casual sex, to the intimacy and love and relaxation and self-enjoyment we crave is through sugar cravings, porn cravings, and the craving for more casual sex--the only way back to ourselves--to the life we want--is through whatever un-ease/dis-ease we feel.

And I think that we can go straight through it or wander around in it a bit.

Lord help me go straight through.

And I should say here that I don't think that sex is bad, not at all, it's just that we want real sex. We want sexy and juicy sex. A real connection. We want a meeting of like souls, hearts and minds. Not a drunk and embarrassed one-off.

This kind of connection can be frightening. It can engulf your whole being. But that's no reason not to jump into it. Or maintain your poise and saunter over to investigate. The reason it feeds so many dreams is that it's one of the main reasons we're here. But I think that in our (my) attempts to make it safe, to loose the uncertainty that can be attached to living that way, we settle for--whatever the word is meaning manufactured or simulated representations, half truths, partners and work experiences that tickle our notions of the real but never fully engage us.

And then, with luck and dogged perseverance, we fight our way back through our half-choices, made out of a lack of faith and a stunted notion of "reality" to what we really want. And find out that it was available to us from the start(?!). If we had only had the guts to step straight to it.

And the road can feel nightmarish because we not only have to address out lack of faith, but also revisit every instance where we made that concrete though our diet, lack or surplus of physical activity, our choices about where and how we live, when and if we choose to relax, when and how we choose to act, etc.

But I surmise that we wouldn't agree to live in a universe structured any other way.

Which I guess is a very long winded way of saying it's exactly when you think you're starving to death that the universe you previously created brings you what you claimed you wanted last time you were feeling hurt--an unsuitable lover, a chocolate cake, an expensive distraction to your financial concerns, whatever. And it seems like it would be the best thing ever. The most glamorous and delightful. Pop in and pop out.

It's the door that's open and a guaranteed 5. You've opened so many other doors that had nothing but a 3--some were even empty.

But what if the evidence of a 5 was proof in and of itself? The result of a prosperous universe working in harmony with the way you were living and gaingin momentum for the 9.3 or whatever that you were destined to enjoy ONCE YOU WERE STRONG ENOUGH TO HANDLE IT?

What if there were a 7 and 8.2 coming up that you had to meet, feel and discern? Cause the rest of the world isn't going anywhere after you get with the 9.3--job, wife, house, etc. You're going to be all happy or have a bad day and the rest of the 8.2 world (8.2 for you, not necessarily universally) is stil lgoing to be there. And you're going to shine like the sun. Because you're not afraid of the work. Or the feelings. Or the uncertainty. Because you have faith.

And you know how to turn it into concrete results.

What if that?

All I know is, to do a Hail Mary, you've got to have five guys downfield and have the QB throw up the impossible pass. You've got to put it all on the line again across the board.

If all you need, or want is a first down, or two yards, if where you are is close to what you want, then just run a draw. But if you can barely imagine what it will take. If who you really are isn't even represented inside your current stadium of understanding.

Then you're going to have to go long, throw it as far as you can and hope you've said your prayers.

This isn't to win, but to find out who you are. And what you're capable of. And to enjoy all that you are capable of enjoying.

And it may be that we don't even know how good it can get. There's a great line in The Prestige (said by Tesla, played by David Bowie, btw) that it's not that our reach exceeds our grasp, but that our grasp exceeds our imagination.

Stay tuned and you'll know. I'll either go international after doing the end run of the last century or so, or I'll be here, blogging to you, from the cement floored, flooding prone basement of my mom's house.

My money's on the latter.

(ps: I guess it would also make sense for the temptations to get larger/stronger/more elemental as you became more yourself or got into touch with larger, more deeply rooted beliefs--and also had already trained by and displayed great courage in dispatching your lesser fears with a steamroller-like tenacity.)