What am I Missing?

I can't help but think I'm missing something today. And I think what it is is that when you're spent, tired, ditched, dumped upon, maxxed out and hungry--you--I--have to still be proud. Have to still want what I want. And present my viewpoint with a joi de vivre that can't be faded. It's gotta be fun.

ESPECIALLY if there's nothing coming. ESPECIALLY if no one will ever pay me for my book. ESPECIALLY if I never program one dope/flip the script beat.

ESPECIALLY if I never get laid again (not to worried about that one actually, it's just been a while).

Cause walking up to beautiful women when you're lonely and getting rejected is going to hurt--but only if you're not yourself. Only if she says "yeah, but there are a lot of Mexicans" to your observations that "this is a nice beach) and you don't say shit!!! Cacuse you were trying to get laid punk! And you were all up in your head even though she's a smoker.

Cause you sold out from the get. Cause she's gorgeous, and frollicking in the waves with her friend and you're at the beach by yourself talking to Carlos from Equador who doesn't really speak English and you've spent far too long wondering if you should go talk to her. And it's a little more daunting cause she's got a friend with her.

Anyway, none of that really matters except that if you stop being yourself, if you don't call her on her wack remark, just like if you don't ask the prospective client "how much money am I going to get and when am I going to get it?"--they your chances of what you want happening have just shot the rapids. Or more like gone down the tubes.

This world is a power struggle. Or is primarily about power.

It doesn't have to be about power OVER, it can just as easily be about power with or power of understanding, but once you give up iyour power, you're done. And the world isn't a better place either.

Why don't I get mad more easily when I get tired? Kids get tired and cry and fight. My inclination used to be to roll over--I'm learning now that just means more work in the long run--but where did I learn this? To slink away when hit? Cause it ain't doing me no good.

When I was writing my book--and I'm thinking of making this a paid blog, by the way, so if you think it should remain free your best bet may be to paypal me a couple thousand dollars--then at least I'd know who was serious and who was just along while it was convenient. What I'd probably do is laeve all this up here and just new stuff would cost $$. I want the money.

--When I was writing my book I noticed that one of the things I could do when challenged was back down. Or shut up. That I was nice. That I was accomodating. That I was afraid of confrontation. Especially when it threatened my vital supplies: love, affection, food, money, comfort, safety.

I learned intellectually that there was a much larger force at work in the universe--and that even my girlfriend (who was a force of nature by the way, and I mean that in the best possible fashion) didn't REALLY want me to agree with her when she was wrong. But damn!

Anyway--build a gut, be your own person, say no, because you'll have much better sex. Don't do it for some blog reason.

But also realize that god wants you to. You want to say no because it's the right thing to do. You want to say that's fucked because that's fucked. And if no one bears witness to that fact then universal law looks like evil can prevail. Is rewarded.

Yes, they'll say it's you. Yes, they'll call you an ego maniac--believe me, they'll go straight for that one--but if it's not right, it's not right. And even agreeing with them won't make it so. Just spread the virus of wrong.

Instead of strengthening the healing of self-assertation. Full disclosure and full discussion.

There is a way to be radically powerful AND understanding. Of standing under--coming from beneath--while remaining steadfastly yourself. It takes a lot of lower body. But that's just what it is. We're not doing anyone any service by letting our upper body brain override our lower body brain (the gut).

Maybe it happens when I'm tired because I leet go of the present. By the time I realized she had made some crack about Mexicans (or at least flirted with it--the statement itself was true, the tone and the context are what were suspect)--the conversation was two thoughts down. I still should have brought it up (whether I wanted to get laid or be a human being (same thing actually)), but why not just write it off?

Because I didn't screw up my courage for 20 minutes to go be a push over. And I think this is what I'm learning. It's not enough to make it to the ring. It's not enough (for me) to be wearing the yellow jersey with two days to go. Or tell my kids I was IN the World Cup once.

I want to win.

And to win you've got to ruthlessly shake off everything at teh moment of decision. The farther it goes the more you've got to shake off (this is exactly parallelling the sexual act, if you haven't noticed by now--the ultiimate learning experience). The more imperative that you breathe in first and stay present. The more important it is to remain yourself and stay loose and have fun. Enjoy the freedom of creativity. And taking radial chances. Because you've got to be willing to lose it to win. That's the whole Dwayne Wade thing. You've got to shoulder up to the risk. Delight in the possibility of failure.

And this is why I love watching Entourage. Just when you think they really should punk out and take the smaller house, curtail their spending, take the corny movie that will make lots of money, grow up and get real jobs--they say fuck it and are catapulted to a higher level--by virtue of their ability to remain detached from the results of the process. The rewards.

Which of course garners them untold riches.

So my thesis is this: what if every single setback, every discouragement and delay. Every rejection. Was nothing but loosening you up. Keeping you limber. And encouraging you to get into it. to Do exactly what it is that you want in any moment without ANY regard for the outcome. ANY!

It would only look like you were supposed to feel like shit. It would only seem that you were downtrodden. When in reality, the universe was doing everything in its power to convince you, who were of free mind and body, to do anything. Go big time and time again. Have faith the size of a mustard seed.

If you learned this would you do it? Would you start expecting the dawn more and more as it got darker and darker. Or expect a more complete and completely new dawn as you saw new levels of pitch dark surround you? Would you get the pattern? Would you remember when you really, really wanted those expensive shoes, that house, that new car, that woman, to write a book, to get a show but thought it would never happened? And then it happened and you thought it was nothing?
And if that happened four hundred thousand times to you personally, four hundred million time to us as a species, would we begin to expect the process? Would we start to take bigger and more meaningful risks? KNowing that what we seek is what we find? (Although not without our Laurence of Arabia, 8 MIle or Bridge over the River Quai certainly).

And have fun doing it. From what I can tell, if it matters, then that's the way it works--that everything is perfect all the time, the trick being for us to get strong and flexible enough to get down with that lovingly stark reality. And if it doesn't, then who the hell cares if you sell out entire countries of people just to get some anyway? It won't work, but you're welcome to try as often as you like.