Moment of Decision Wrap-Up

The theme for the last month or so has been the moment of decison. (And the Holy Grail, of course--the two most likely are intertwined.)

Here's what I've learned.

To "get" the grail, to be worthy, you must be worthy at your least worthy-less (most worth-less?) moment. This does not mean you have to be perfect--rather that you must continue on in the face of certain failure, or ever death. The cavalry comes after the hero decides to fight on. He decides to fight on because he's a hero, not because he thinks he's going to win.

This decison is made from a spiritual foundation--and is ESSENTIALLY IRRATIONAL!

Irrational--another great word describing the holy grail, the female side of the universe, the eastern, the creative, the abstract, the spiritual, the instinctual. It's become a negative, but is anything but.

Reason can only take us back to the big bang--and it still can't even touch the limitless ocean in which our little boat of history sits. Let alone the sky above it, the clouds, fishies--you get the picture. Let alone the universe that scene lives in. And so on.

So why do we think it's rational to make decisions based on such limited knowledge? Why do we believe that which we know to be limited, historical, contrived, and convenient--reason--to be the truth? Or even the basis for anything? Isn't that like matching your handbag to a zit (or mole) when otherwise you're wearing all blue? Reason certainly has it's uses but it seems the ultimate irrationality to base decisions on it that are outside of it's scope.

Nowe I know irration certainly has its drawbacks. Much of the current Middle East conflict is unconscious reaction--and then reaction to reasction. All of which could be termed irrational.

The police torture detailed today by the Chicago Tribune? (A report detailing two decades of it was issued yesterday.) --Irrational reaction.

But don't let that give irrationality a bum rap. That's like giving up on god because folks choose to kill in his name when they please. It has nothing to do with god. And unconscious irrationality--fear, hatred, loathing, violence--has little do do with conscious irrationality--love, vulnerability, peace, relaxation.

If you try to live without it altogether, it's going to be a pretty plain, and pretty boring ride.

We are not here for any reason that we can discern. That's freedom. And no matter what the SMBD community tells you, there's no love without freedom. God lets us have reasonable dominion here on earth because he loves us. Even the killers. And police torturers. And more importantly--he knows that everything's going to be okay! He isn't afraid. The whole middle east could erupt, a nuclear bomb could go off--and that wouldn't so much as scuff the love that the universe is built upon. We might feel pain, but who's to say that's not love as well--demarking as it does something we don't want to be involved with. Teaching us, telling us. Helping us decide. Some people say that most of our pain is chosen anyway. Certainly the anguish that arises from lack of faith we have much to do with.

Here's the deal. We get to do what we want. For better or worse. We are creative--meaning that we make how we live. Even if we choose to be or imagine ourselves consumptive. How easy or difficult something is doesn't change how true or false it is one iota. (Unfortunately). Ants are here for a reason--to build nests and feed the queen. They start working as soon as they're born. We're here for whatever. Whatever we want.

Which brings us back to the moment of decision.

And fear!

We are desparate--starving at least--for the future to outstrip our past. Yet we insist on the same decision-making process when approaching something new. --We let ourselves decide with our desparation. With insecurity and doubt crowding our beings. We consider all our fears before taking the plunge. We use reason--which is necessarily based on the past--hoping beyond hope to surpass our history. And ensure that we are crippled from the word go. (If we then blame god is a question for another time).

And I don't want this to get too heavy. Nothing swamps joy like that. But I am interested in what this stuff looks like. Floyd Landis dropped in the Tour de France from almost a certain win to an almost also-ran. After years of preparation, weeks of racing--in one day. If there is a lesson to be learned--a way for us to make with our freedom something that outshines our dubious past, humble roots and numerous transgressions against ourselves, our loved ones and the universe at large (I'm smiling as I write this)--what is it? Don't get tight? Don't believe in anything but belief? Get into the work as it's own reward? Attack without fear?

Or would it be to never give up belief? To not for a second think that this world's results--be they a twentieth in the Tour or a beating by the cops--have anything to do with your place in the universe? Even though you want to win. Even though you want to crush the cavity creeps. Even though there is a higher, more loving way. Even though you want everything. That's a little Eastern, a little passive for me (especially with my gumption up as it is at the moment--maybe it's the gumption that has to go?)--but we are told--or even I have been talking about getting into the irration of it all. That the female side is the ultimate reality. That despite our desire and demands that things end, that results be handed out. That judgement be executed--that, that, that, that. That it won't happen. That it's a process with sights along the way. That you do want things and that's how you choose your focus. And that yields your world.

But results are created on this planet. How do I get to be one of the folks calling the shots? How could you not be?, I ask myself. There are kids on Clark St. wearing clothing you and your friends wore fifteen years ago. That you were wearing because someone else you thought was cool wore it fifteen years (or fifty years) before. That original person needn't have worried a moment that he was alone. That he didn't matter. He may have FELT that way, but that doesn't alter the reality of the situation. And, had he checked into the evolution of the species, and done his math regarding the motives of both himself and what he may have viewed (in the 40s?) as mainstream America, he could have been all but certain that he was on the winning side.

And what if our task now, was to do the same thing AND feel it? What if we couldn't succeed if we didn't feel it? Even when we don't feel it. Or have a reason. What if to win now, we had to feel it even when the reason were piled up like Tour de France stage losses? Like World Cup qualifiying losses? And what if, in being certain in that moment, the whole war was won forever--battle be damned.

What if all the work was to get to that first step--the whole world cascading out naturally after that. Having been created in the moment of decision.




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I leave the rest of the post written another day below:

The world is limitless opportunity re-created continuously. We are forgiven every second. We don't HAVE to do anything. But there is still the very real matter of what we want. And the opportunity our luxurious lives present to create that. And certainly, even with a god that is great, all-powerfull and loving, writing a book is a much faster way to have a book that you've written than not writing one. Same goes for getting fed, having a house, etc. Wanting it and doing whatever it takes to make it happen will certainly yield more results than not.

This is not to say that miracles don't happen. They do. (A miracle being the fruit of the irrational coming to be where reason/science/our minds have determined it impossible).

Maybe a better question is where do we rely upon miracles? Do we do the work for love and rely on miracles to feed, clothe and shelter us, or do we feed, clothe and shelter ourselves and rely on miracles for love? Not that there's a choice--I don't believe the universe is stingy, but certainly, if history is a guide, we accomplish the large part of what we set out to do--certainly much more that that we don't set out to do.

Do we seek that which inspires us and rely upon miracles to ground us (a rainy day, a bill to pay, some housework)? Or do we seek that which placates our fear (often of the irrational, the creative, the female, the unquantifiable, the moment, love), and leave inspiration for miracles?

Inspiration means breathing in for a reason.

Do we breath in first, or do we get all of the exhaust out of the way and get a little weekend in as a reflex?

Fuck that--freedom is terrrifying. I'm terrified of it and I've been chasing it my whole life. It doesn't exist anywhwere but in the present. It has way too much to do with sex to be comfortable--but is the only place comfort can be found.






It is un-everything uncertified unapproved unknowable un communicable unsaleable untraslateable





Fuck it