It Doesn't Really Matter

HI all. Happy St. Pat's Day. I'm not sure if anyone is interested in this, but I've come this far, so no reason to stop now.

I feel like I'm learning how to be the person I want to be. Easy to say, but another thing to do.

I've pretty much always been the person I wanted to be when I had the energy, was happy, fed, dry and well rested. That part is easy. I've always been able to give when I felt like I had something to give. No problemo.

What I feel like I'm learning now is how to be the person I want to be when I don't want to be that person. When I don't give a shit. I'm getting unified. If Jamie Foxx is working on being unpredictable, I'm working toward predictability. Not predictable as in you know what I'm going to do (although you may) but predictable as to who I am. How I respond to challenges. That I am warm and helpful. Even when I don't have the time, energy or inclination. Especially when I don't have the time, energy or incination.

It's easy to be committed when being committed is easy. But the question in any relationship--and that's one with yourself just as much with someone else, or even with god--is: Are you prepared to be committed when it's hard to be committed? When you don't want to. When you're tired, hungry, frazzled and frustrated. When you're done.

The first part is to be prepared. Avoid tired, hungry, frazzled, etc. But it's inevitable. You will be. And then what kind of a person will you be? You may even get worse than that. What about then?

Now I don't believe in judging a person on the worst behavior they've ever exhibited. In fact I believe in mostly the opposite. However, a little bit of dark goes a long way. Especially if it's been covered up or never explored. I feel that a lot of people could be closer—that I could be closer—if things didn't get so weird around the edges. In fact, I'm almost ready to say that if the edges were taken care of, that almost anything could take place in the center and people would be close, warm and loving. That that might even be called a normal, healthy, vibrant relationship that could last.

I have just as strong an impulse to crack on the guy who cuts me off in traffic as anyone else. But I'm learning that integrating that energy back up is much more productive in the long run. (Hard to avoid the bust a nut metaphor here. The longer it takes you, the more love you get. Read The Multi-Orgasmic Man and cross-reference that with the best sex you've ever had divided by Tich Nat Hahn--the Buddhist priest. Multiply the whole thing by the Star Spangled Banner and you're close to what I'm talking about.)

Why develop a negative relationship with someone that will outlast our physical proximity? Go deeper than any pleasantries you may or may not exchange? Why on earth would I want to be thinking about some stress case on the freeway any longer than absolutely necessary.

This is part of my Lent. The temptations are flying right and left. I did crack on Fed Ex yesterday. But I was able to bring it back around to something resembling kindness before the end of the transaction. Phew.

One of the most difficult things in the world is to be sane in the face of insanity. To be loving in the face of hate. To be tolerant of intolerance. To warm up to bitchiness. To stay rational to absurdity (that was Fed Ex).

As I've delved into before, all fear wants to do is replicate--infect. It doesn't care what else happens, it just wants to breed. To spread, to take over. Someone being an asshole wants you to be an asshole. Then their behavior is totally justified, their worldview safe: it is all jerks out there and every person for him or herself. In a sense, fear, or hate or control--coming at someone from above or below someone and trying to manipulate them--is our baseline. It will hold life together in a rudimentary fashion when all else fails. It's the lowest common denominator.

But we aren't free when we react like that. And that's why fear-based behavior so often leads to unhappiness--or worse.

(To me, it feels like the US, and much of the world, is right here--pretty darn good in the middle and pretty darn weird around the edges/under pressure. In my opinion, just flip these. Make the edges safe and take all the risks, say all the crazy shit in the middle, 4 hours before you go home, to bed. 2 hours before you eat. Get it out, break it down, have a good laugh, and then eat, sleep, make love, and do it all again. The danger is in waiting to respond, in "witholding judgement" when you really working up a grudge. You'd be amazed what mistakes are laughed at when everyone is happy, fed, rested and safe.)

When we are free is when we choose how we'd like to react. When we choose and take responsibility for the entire world we see every second. When we acknowledge that we are made in the image of god--and therefore are primarily creators, not consumers, of this experience down here. There's no big business, it's not George W., it's us. And ain't nothing ever happened that someone didn't want. And ain't nothing ever last that people didn't get wrapped up in.

We're the ones making it. And we decide how the story goes. Both as individuals and in groups. That's what's happening. What we do and what we allow. Or--even more radically--what we pay attention to. What we pay for. And that goes for bands, people, paintings, behavior, coffee joints, products, junk mail, etc. If we go for it, if we do it, there will be more and more. If we ignore it, there will be less and less. It's just like gardening.

So the key--the moment of truth--comes when we've been off getting all clean and neat and we come back to the world of our old patterns--our family, our friends, our business, our hungry self. This is basically caveman shit. Do we react as we always have or do we ignore even our own hot button issues to create the emotional and spiritual life that we want. Permanently, constantly, everlastingly, everlovingly.

The reason I'm so excited to be learning all this right now, and it's nothing I haven't been talking about for 10 years (some day I'll post my old manifestos)--the reason I'm so excited about learning all of this, is that for the first time in my life, the ideas are rooted, have become solid, are feelings in my body. Correspond directly to the flow of energy and feeling. Love is becoming my reaction. I'm taking responsibility for not only my life and livelihood but also my feelings, emotions, relationships (in real time), etc. It's all merging into the one thing I've always hoped or thought it could.

And that means I'm about to start getting some. Bottom line, I now have the skills to have a daily relationship with a powerful woman and be my powerful self. Including sex. (You didn't think I was loving the jerk on the expressway just to be nice did you?) And I can still be the person, the artist, the dude, whatever, that I've always been. My core is becoming solid.

When I was younger I would ask my married friends about their love life. Most of them laughed when I claimed that I was going to have incredible sex for years and years--with the woman I was married to. At the time, I rarely had girlfriends that lasted longer than 6 months. And with a whole bunch of them, sex was even kind of boring. With the woman and girls that it wasn't, the forces of nature that brought us together so passionately, that made it exciting, smacked us (or me anyway) around like a dingy in a storm. With a whole bunch of rocks right there. As much of it was drama as passion. Sooner of later, it was just easier to let it go.

But I always had a notion, deep inside my head, that it was possible. That it had to be. That a grand unification theory existed if we were just smart enough, just dedicated enough, just had the time. That the special theory and the general theory (the male and femle?, east and west?), all were similar expressions of the same thing. And that everything pointed at the same thing if you looked at it from the right angle. And my guess was that that thing was love.

In some of my best relationships, I cought glimpses that even one radically loving person in a relationship could both make it work and be so unfadeable that they would be impossible to leave. (Radically loving meaning loving one's self so much that both yourself and your self's love for that other person are indespensable--and knowing how to prioritize and manage those both strictly and with compassion. --You know that you can't get left until they crack you right?) Maybe a buoy is a good metaphor. No matter how deep nor how fast the swells, a properly anchored buoy just does it's thing. And is always there ding donging softly the next morning when the seagulls come back around and the sunlight on the water makes you wonder how anything could go wrong ever.

This isn't about being perfect, but more about knowing one's own tendencies, likelihoods, and how and when one's own shit rears it's lovely head. And how that tends to affect the people around you. How to stay safe and snug around the edges while take enormous, putting it all on the line, life-saving risks right down the middle. Yee-haw!

Maybe, it's just that for the first time in my life I feel like I can take care of myself and have extra left over to give. I don't look at people as opportunities to get something, or above or below me, but as opportunities to be with, play, talk, share, build. I feel safe around the edges and have extra in the middle.

It may be easier to explain this way: For the first time in my life, a life that includes all kinds of art projects, nice stuff, volunteer work, etc; I see that it's as easy as you get what you give. Moment to moment. Constantly. Breath to breath. And that there's no magical store anywhere-of money, of love, of food--of anything. And that that perspective actually brings about prosperity--when you feel like you don't need it. And that neediness actually brings about scarcity. On the material plane, emotional plane and the spiritual plane. And am ready to meet the challenge.

It's almost cliche--ask not what your country can do for you..., life is what you make it--but to feel this second to second is something else. To be constantly grateful for the gift we have of being alive, the opportunity to be here and do what it is we want to do--how could being rich--physically or spiritually--feel any different? From there it's just the chicken or the egg--do we feel grateful, safe, and loved first or are our lives filled with things to be grateful for, peace and loved ones first?

It doesn't really matter.

(I would like to note that all this stuff is rooted in the body. I don't believe you can stand, walk, relax, skip, dance, sing, paint, eat and sleep the way you really want to and not come to address these things eventually. The answer's in the pudding. To embrace this viewpoint I have had to stretch, lift, hit the elliptical machines, walk, do sit-ups, etc. All of us wants to be alive--our mind, soul, and body--and all are holy. You can learn as much making love as you can at church. And if you don't believe that you can take it up with the big guy. It's got nothing to do with me.)

Lots of love.