The Final Countdown

I've been feeling a bit abused lately. For the beginning of spring, I'd expect to have a bit more pep in my step. But I'm just doing the work. And fighting for my fun.

This may be my final temptation. Work. And meaningless nonsense. I don't like either. Yet, if I want to be deliriously happy I'll have to confront both without flinching.

Parking tickets, bureacracy, paper work, errands. If you can't be enlightened while doing that shit, then you're not enlightened. Anyone can be who they want in the studio with $200K in the bank (well, not everyone, which is surprising in and of itself), but what about the real shit? My feet walk on the same ground as everyone else's, and all of my labor to alleviate that hasn't gotten me anywhere different.

What it has taught me is to feel and process everything instantaneously. Upgrade the processor. Walk each step and deal with each stair on the fly. Feel it! Make sure you have the latest quantum software. In real time. Stare that motherfucker down and get on with it. Life is too much a joy to let a $50 parking ticket in a corrupt city with questionable bureaucratic efficiency worth it. Plus, I still haven't found the paperwork, so it could actually be my fault (expired plates). Why would $50 bust my flow for two seconds? Am I really that cheap? That hungry for drama? That ready to sell out? No, no no. Not this cowboy.

Then there's the city that re-elected the party boss even though he sits in hospital after a stroke and will likely not be able to return to do his job. So the Democratic Party bosses (the other ones) will fill the postion. Even though a better candidate (also a Dem) was running. Yes, Democrats are corrupt as well. Especially here in Chicago. Where they're the only game in town. And their corruption leads to police beatings, shakedowns, honest people run out of business, harrassment, etc. Drives me nuts.

But again, what kind of a love artist would I be if that busted my stride? Not much of one. People are entitled to all the corruption they want. If they feel that patronage is where safety lies, then I encourage them to explore it fully. Get into it.

And I encourage those affected by it to get into how that feels. And go for what you feel real safety is. And do it to death. It's no different in Kabul or Chicago. Our opportunity, our privledge, is to be here to do what we feel is love. And enjoy every step. Our children (and everyone else) will live and die by the results.

And now I'm getting riled. And divided. This is what this shit does. Separates us from ourself. It takes serious focus to concentrate on what we want when other's fears come a knocking. Or our own. The key is to do what is right while not caring a whit about the results. Just walk the walk. And be done with it once you go inside to have a seat. Or even if you're on to the next step. It's a beautiful day. The sun is out. Birds are singing. A miraculous energy holds the entire universe together--stable but changing constantly. What could ever be wrong?

I had a dream last night that I was getting back together with an old girlfriend. Two dogs were fighting and I grabbed their heads so they couldn't bite me and faced them toward each other--so that they would leave me alone. Is this mirror mind? Or am I just supressing anger?

Anyway, as the girlfriend left, our therapist, who had been overseeing the whole deal, asked me if I was going to marry her. I didn't respond but I sure was having to think long and hard about it. I'll spare you the more gory details but I think I'm just tired, and learning about how I respond to things when I'm tired.

I tend to go backwards, to things I know, even if I know there is more out there for me. I anger more quickly. I refuse to slow down. I say fuck it. I defend myself. I jump into the future or the past. I get into the results of what I'm doing instead of the action itself. I do other than that which I really, really want to. And being tired is my excuse.

Which, as I've explored exhaustively, is no way to live.

So, whatever else there is out there for me to learn from--bring it on. If it's being tired, make me more tired. However it makes me the best person, however it makes me the happiest person. However it makes me stong enough to do the things I want to do AND ENJOY IT. However it wants to come. Bring it. Cause I'm either on crack, or the Easter of all Easters is just around the corner. 40 days and nights in the wilderness followed by the rebirth heard 'round the world. (Translate into whatever tradition or non-tradition you enjoy most here). Bring it.

Not to say that after Jesus left the wilderness it was all fun and games--he was going to get crucified after all (which he knew), but at least he could eat, and enjoy the company of his friends, and do what he was here to do. There is a serious, deep pleasure in these things even when they're hard.

Bring it on.